Tag Archives: marriage

On The Topic of Love

 Love probably isn’t the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word Islam, or when you think about Muslims.

Still, Islam  presents a very familiar and beautiful concept of love, particularly in the context of marriage.

Love and Marriage

Marriage is a sacred contract between a man and woman, taking them from being disparate individuals and uniting them as family. Marriage is a promise and an exclusive permission for the most private kind of intimacy. In Islam, family is the foundation of all society and so the protection and sanctity of marriage are considered paramount.

Although Muslims avoid situations that can lead to undesirable attraction and intimacy outside the marriage bond, it is acknowledged that individuals may unwittingly fall in love. The prophet Muhammad said,

“There is nothing better for those who love one another than marriage.” (Recorded in Ibn Maajah)

And so we learn that, to build on love and enjoy it in the best way,  marriage provides the ideal consecrated fortress for love to flourish.

The Intimates Department

Husband and wife are literally described as garments for one another in the Quran. Regarding the spouses, it reads:

“They are clothing for you and you are clothing for them.” (Quran 2:187)

This description symbolizes the romantic closeness between husband and wife. Clothing is the nearest thing to you, it envelopes, protects, comforts and even beautifies. In a simple sentence the Quran expresses the intended beauty of marriage and sexuality in Islam.

Pay special attention to the following verse from the Quran:

“And of His signs is that He created for you, from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for an people who give thought. ” (Quran 30:21)

Who does not hope for tranquility, love and mercy in their marriage?  Obviously we are meant to view our marriages in this way and prevent them from descending into turmoil or from losing that spark of love and affection.

“You complete me.”

Remember Tom Cruise in the movie Jerry Maguire?

 

youcomplete me.jpg

 

How many hearts melted when he said those words? I think it is fair to say that almost any woman on earth would absolutely love to be told by her beau that he is not complete without her. It goes even deeper than having a companion to love in life. In Islam we believe that men and women were initially created from one soul, thus one is forever longing for its other half. Think: soulmates. The Quran says:

“It is He (God) who created you from one soul and created from it, its mate that he might dwell in security (peace, comfort, love) with her.” (Quran 7:189)

The important bond of marriage is also considered half of religion, because the prophet Muhammad described it in this way. The Muslim spouses are partners, helping each other, side by side, hand in hand. Finding pleasure in one another and acting as allies, helping each other stay focussed and determined in seeking God’s favor. They wake each other up for prayers and encourage each other to do good.

 

Examples to Live By

Much of what we learn in Islam regarding how to conduct our own lives, comes from lessons provided through the examples of others. The Quran is chock full of  examples of admirable character and  conduct. From prophets Noah, Abraham, Joseph, to Jesus and many in between, we learn deep life lessons and find solace and inspiration. The life of Muhammad is  meticulously recorded in volumes of hadith. This allows us to observe the way he implemented the divine guidance he received.

We learn quite a bit about love from Muhammad’s life.  He accepted the marriage proposal of his first wife, Khadijah while he was a young man. She was older than him and a widow. He loved and cared for her deeply. She was his rock, supporting him through the most difficult times of his life after he became a prophet. She was the first one Muslim. 

The year she passed away has been forever named “the year of sadness”. They were married for a quarter of a century and long after her passing he recalled her fondly and longingly. Aisha, whom he married years after the death of Khadijah is reported to have said that she was never jealous of anyone as she was jealous of Khadijah, even though she was no longer living.

A great example of marriage in the Quran is that of the prophet Zakaria and his wife. The Quran tells us that until they reached old age, they had not had any children. Zakaria deeply desired a child. 

It’s subtle, but I think it sweet that he “cried to His Lord in secret” (Quran 19:3)  praying for a child. He did not burden his wife, but  protected his wife from the suffering she may experience if he had complained to her. They must have been an extraordinarily special couple; their prayer was granted with the birth of John. 

They are described as always rushing to do good:

 

“Indeed, they used to race to do good deeds and supplicate to Us (God) in hope and fear, they used to call on (God) with love and reverence, and humble themselves before (God).” (Quran 21:90)

 

From Zakaria and his wife we learn one of the best parts of marriage is helping one another to do good, supporting and encouraging each other to be our absolute best.

21st Century Love

With all the great advice and endearing examples provided in Islam, Muslims have the tools to potentially enjoy ideal love and marriage bliss.

“You may now kiss the bride!” Many of the couples who get married today have already had their first kiss, but for Muslims the wedding day is literally the first time they touch.

The majority of Muslims continue to remain virgins until marriage in spite of the overwhelming social pressure from society and media, from TV to Subway billboards. Saving themselves for their soulmate and life partner.

Though this is not always the case, and divorce rates are increasing in the Muslim population as they are generally across the board, still many Muslim couples today have long-lasting, loving marriages.  I believe the more Muslims stick to the teachings of Islam, the more happy marriages will be enjoyed.

Despite the various images of Islam floating around, there is no doubt that Islam includes the notion of Love and provides the basis for a loving, romantic relationship and family foundation.

I want to end with this picture from my friend Sahar’s wedding day. I love looking at it. It’s so delicate and a the same time sensuous. For me, it really embodies they way I see marriage in Islam.

They’ve been together a long time now, with six grown children. They are a family of various talents and accomplishments. The story of their family began on that day:

saharwedding1
Shahid and Sahar Abdulaziz

Whatever your faith, I hope you can experience a love like the love described in Islam: A partnership  full of mercy; tranquil, comforting and sweet.

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My Husband’s Standard for the Treatment of Women

The owner of the company was a man, maybe in his fifties; white hair, but still youthful. He came over to give us an estimate for some work we need done. He seemed nice enough. He smiled, greeted our children, and appeared to have our best interests in mind.

While we were walking him through the job, his cell phone began ringing.

“Probably my wife.” He said, slightly shaking his head as he silenced the phone.

Within several minutes the phone rang twice more. We assured him we didn’t mind if he answered the call.

“Hello? I’m still on a job estimate.” He paused and listened.

His lips tightened and his voice hardened. “I told you, they’re in the back.” he said, somewhat exasperated.

He wrapped up the call. To me, he had not done anything out of the ordinary. He completed the rest of the estimate kindly and left.

But, as I would learn later, my husband was disturbed by what he witnessed.

In fact, my husband chose another company, in spite of getting the lowest estimate from this man, simply because he didn’t like the way he had spoken to his wife.

My husband grew up in a Muslim family. When he reached college, his interest in Islam and religions intensified. He began studying Islam as well as Christianity and comparative religion. After completing his bachelor’s, he travelled overseas to study Islam and the Arabic language. While away, he benefitted from many scholars of Islam. Upon returning, he has been dedicated to teaching Islam to Muslims, founding several institutions to that end.

His days and nights are usually spent studying, teaching or working for Islam.

He’s also gentle and even tempered.

I often insist on asking him, “Are you mad?” and he always responds, “Do I ever get mad?”

The truth is, my husband implements the teachings of Islam and follows the prophet Muhammad who was asked repeatedly by a man for advice and responded each time simply, “Do not get angry.” (Narrated in Sahih Bukhari)

This is the power of Islam, to overcome even strong emotions such as anger. In fact, as indicated in the advice of the prophet Muhammad above, Islam has the power to prevent those emotions from boiling up in the first place. When it is the guidance for everyday life, the results are beautiful.

I’m so fortunate and grateful to have a companion who is concerned with living in a way pleasing to his Maker, and that my Creator has guided His creation to “Be kind to women.” as explained and emphasised by His last messenger, Muhammad.

For My Dad. My Quiet Hero

I have three sisters. My house was usually overflowing with girlish giggles, chit chat about hair, shoes and even sensitive topics that would make any man writhe in his seat. Our girlfriends would often come to visit, adding to the weight on the feminine side of the scale in our home.

But my father, although often quiet and reserved, didn’t fade into the shadows. His example and support shaped each one of our lives. From the honest integrity with which he ran his business, to his passion for cars, he provided an independent, brave example that was unwilling to compromise on ethics to get ahead.

Some of my fondest memories are the exciting swap meets I enjoyed with him as a child, and watching him restore regal, but dated cars to their original glory in our garage on weekends. I grew to love all the smells of oil and polish, grease, and metal. I loved when he would take me with him on an errand, like a trip to a special parts supplier far away, or to job sites for his business.

In Highschool I wound up the only girl in car care class, where I learned how to change the oil and brakes on my ’87 Monte Carlo. I was proud to hear its small block 305 engine rumbling as I drove it into the high school shop. My Dad’s influence is clear in many of my own passions and aspirations.

He taught me about how to handle turns on a race track and I think of him everytime I take curves on the parkways (even in my minivan). But more than love of cars, hard work and getting dirty, he provided numerous other examples and a special kind of support. My Dad never pushed me to go in any particular direction. Instead he listened, and payed attention to what mattered to me. What I was passionate about. What made me happy. Then, with his quiet demeanor he stepped in to make it happen. He never announced his favors, or reminded me about them. They were always just there. Just right.

Like many fathers, my Dad worked hard (and still does!) for his family. Successfully running his own business, the stress of which I recognize more keenly now. Even with the ups and downs and uncertainty of that difficult endeavor, we were his primary concern, before himself.

He invested so much in my family – in me.

I’m sure when I announced my decision, that I had become Muslim, it couldn’t have been easy for him. But he put my happiness first. He affirmed that I could believe whatever I wanted to.

The stage following my decision to enter Islam was tough for me and my family at times. When I moved back to my parent’s house after a year or so developing as a Muslim away from home, there was inevitably some tension.

I knew my mom felt uncomfortable about me covering my head. It must have been hard, seeing her daughter looking so unlike the girl she had raised.

I was torn between not hurting my mom and wearing a piece of cloth – an identity that had become beloved to me. So, When I would go off to work in the morning, I’d wear the hood on my jacket from the house to the car. Once in my car I would awkwardly struggle to fix my hijab in the rearview mirror. Upon returning home, I would remove my scarf and replace it with my hood once again.

I thought no one knew.

But, my Dad was so aware. He always seemed to somehow know what was going on. One day he approached me and informed me, he had seen what I had been doing.

“You don’t have to do that.” He gently told me.

He assured me I didn’t have to hide my hijab. I saw the compassion in his eyes.

Though all my family has gradually become somewhat more comfortable with my Muslim identity and my choice  to cover more of my body, my Dad has perhaps shown the most support. Warning me when a Man is coming over or at the door and making sure I am dressed before he allows them in.

When he met my then to-be husband, he asked “How are you going to take care of my daughter?”

He held my hand at my marriage. kneeling on the floor in a mosque, he facilitated yet another happiness for me.

That is real love. The kind of love to ponder – that boggles the mind and fills the heart.

I pray I will grow to be a better daughter, to express that same kind of love to my father. To give back a little, even a fraction of what he’s provided me. To make him know that he’s my hero.

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My Dad and I, on my wedding day

What My Husband Said Before He Left

Last night, it was time for my husband to go.

Before he opened the car door, he turned and looked intently into my eyes.

The words he uttered caused tears to well up. I felt my heart quiver.

He had to go.

But only after entrusting me into God’s care with these words:

*”أستودعكم الله الذي لا تضيع ودائعه”

I entrust you to God, The One Who does not lose what He has been entrusted with.”

Through this simple sentence, I felt his care, and his concern for me while he is away.

It conveys to me that he sees himself as my protector in life, that I am under his care; his responsibility. While he is away and always, there is no greater protector than the One who has power over all things, so my husband asked Him to safeguard me.

I feel treasured and loved.

These are the beautiful manners taught to us by the prophet Muhammad.

Does this prayer guarantee that I won’t get hurt, or that nothing undesirable will happen?

No, it’s not that…

What it means, is that as we part, we remind ourselves to put our trust in God. We remember not to fear, that which we have no control over, but to place into God’s hands our affairs and our lives. Whatever happens only occurs with His ultimate wisdom.

I found the moment my husband left, so beautiful; so moving.

Though I yearn for his return, the peace inspired by his words; by our way of life – Islam – makes me feel at ease.

Likewise, I entrust my husband, my partner who gives so much of himself to provide me and our children with a happy and comfortable life, my guardian, my noble knight, into God’s care with these words:

**”أَسْتَوْدِعُ اللَّهَ دِينَكَ وَأَمَانَتَكَ وَخَوَاتِيمَ عَمَلِكَ”

“I place your religion, your faithfulness and the ends of your deeds in the trust of  God”

 ***”زَوَّدَكَ اللَّهُ التَّقْوَى وَغَفَرَ لَكَ ذَنْبَكَ وَيَسَّرَ الْخَيْرَ لَكَ حَيْثُمَا كُنْتَ “

“May God bless you with righteousness and forgive your sins and make goodness easy for you wherever you are”

I thank God for guiding me to this beautiful way of life, so rich and so profound, and for all the love in my life. I thank Him for all those who care for me, and all those I love and care for. I thank our Maker for a husband who remembers Him and whose actions and words are guided by that remembrance.

A beach with palm trees is not the closest thing to paradise on Earth. For me, it is life lived in Islam that delivers a taste of bliss.

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Authentic sources of the prayers mentioned here:

*Saheeh Ibn Majah 2/133 

**Saheeh At-Tirmidhi 2/155

***Sahih At-Tirmidhi, 3/155